We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
