Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
