Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize