Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I take back everything I said about communal showers
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
