This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
