I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
