My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
