Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
