im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
