Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
