I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
