If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
