there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
