My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
