I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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