you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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