she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
if only i could text you this smell
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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