Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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