So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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