I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
