Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize