You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
