I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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