I'm so fucking centered right now
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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