I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I have post one night stand depression
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