she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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