you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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