i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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