Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What a dumb baby whore.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize