so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
