Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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