I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Let's paint friendship bongs
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
