a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
