why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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