I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
