phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
