why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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