I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
