I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize