from now on my penis is your penis
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
