Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
