I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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