I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I love having hate sex.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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