Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
