dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
