I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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