Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
