I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
