i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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