shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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