were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize