I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You know, be my cock's hype man.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
