I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
