If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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