I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
