I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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