I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
