weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
