I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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