How'd it feel making her break her religion?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
