Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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