In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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