when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
