Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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