I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
